Britnie- Jazz up that intro with a hook or a question. Have your friends ever talked you into something you didin't want to do? Who knew a diner could be so fun.... I was stuck on the parkway, gulping in exhaust fumes with my coffee, but I ddin't care.... Somethin like that....
Work more with the quote from fired Green Tomatos
Cut the last two lines; they are cliche!
Mitchel: As we discussed, put more of the original story in, and "re-see" it when you get to the conclusion. Try to thread the main idea throughout the essay a bit more. reflect on what you and Michael are not valueing as the day goes on....Plese read it out loud SLOWLY!!
Jason: Use the new intro. Remember to use an apostrophe to show a possessive. . Ex: mother's child.
Remember, only use the details that further your main idea. "Things like how much I would be getting paid" is not a complete sentence.
Transition after pizza to 2008 is a bit abrupt.
Cut lines that don't contribute to the main idea....
Darren: Write your rough draft tonight based on the idea from your letter and text: We need to learn to help ourselves, and not be victims, but sometimes we need an initial push to get us going. Use your story and night school along with Dangerous Minds as "proof" of your idea. Don't forget to work on a "hook" intro. Also do a grammar log on their/there/they're and affect/effect!
Jonathan: use an apostrophe to show possession: driver's license. 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence -- ROS. Last sentence of the same paragraph also a ROS. Add in the outside text to emphasize your point about accidents happening any time. Try to thread your idea throughout the paper -- not just put it at the end. For example, you could emphasize feeling independent when you tell your mom that you can handle taking the car...Help us to see how each detail helps us see the lesson you are learning.
Jerry: You seem to move through several different ideas until you settle on mental and physical preparation. Stay focused on that as your main idea, but use SPECIFIC real details from life and a movie, song, or book to show us how crucial the need for preparation is. Try not to repeat the same words within one sentence.
Stacy: Your intro paragraph is quite a good reflection on maturity, but you need to really thread that throughout the essay. Reflect on each of the decisions you are making and show how they are or are not showing "maturity". Also, you still need to connect to an outside text: movie, song, book. Work on the grammar in the rest of the paragraphs like you did in the first one.
Mark: Move from reporting what you did in the past writings to focusing in on a main point about the simple joys/pleasures of dogs and walks. The details of laughing because you always know what Bosley is thinking, and a walk being more like a small step on an incline are good. They highlight how the dog helps you "re-see" the world from a simple pleasure point of view. Use more of these and use some from Marley and Me.
Remember the essay is now about the main idea, not about how you worked on the assignments.
Mchenhley: refer to the comments on the letter that I gave back today. the works cited page should include Rudy.
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