John: You need to do a bit more work on your main idea. What does looking at the motivation in both stories help us understand? Also, you might be going a little overboard with the interpretation in Quindlan that these boys were looking for a respect -- that is just a guess on your part. What we KNOW is that their mental illness caused them to act in certain ways....
Add an introduction that gets us interested in motivation
Monica: Also, work on your main idea just a little bit more. I think you just have to emphasize more about how we never know when the negative push might be used positively or might make someone snap. In both essays discouragement was the motivator, but it had completely different results. Work on that a bit more and add to intro some hint of it....
Mark: Cut out all sections where you write about comparing and contrasting -- especially the intro. The focus of the paper is your idea about mental enslavement, not that you are writing a compare contrast essay!!
Write a new intro that gets us thinking about all the different ways we can be enslaved in our lives!!
Add direct quotes from each essay.
Add a Works Cited.
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